Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.