[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
You Might Also Like
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
same energy
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me too
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
scares
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me