[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Never let them know your next move 😂
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
A great tip. #CakeRex
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home