Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad