Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes