(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now