[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
This hospital has everything
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.