*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?