*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
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Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I feel seen
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Most fashion shows these days…
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
never compromise your values
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆