*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
what kind of cook setting is this??
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.