A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
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Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
the best thing i’ve ever made
girls literally only want one thing..
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..