*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
You Might Also Like
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I bet birds love this building.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me