Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
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I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
…żyje?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I have obtained a hat
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter