Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Not helping
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.