Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Good boy 😂😂
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Trains are just sideway elevators.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I found your tweet-up…
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups