Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
*3.5 thank you very much.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”