Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
*weighs self after shaving
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman