Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.