therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Yearβs is truly No Manβs Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Donβt know if itβs the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but itβs getting so a guy canβt even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My right hand: Iβll hold these three Trader Joeβs bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CANβT GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDYβS SUGAR-FREE.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Itβs not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasnβt a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you thereβs pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Youβll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.