[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
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contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
#Thanos #MondayMood
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.