Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory