Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
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If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
A completely valid reaction tbh
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…