I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
You Might Also Like
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.