Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Dishonest mechanic?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My five year plan is a meteorite
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Well, this explains it: