Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything