Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Sunday
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them