My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.