Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
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Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
PLEASE READ
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
🦝🔥🦝🔥
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.