starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
You Might Also Like
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Y’all know who you are.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.