Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
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The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.