[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school