[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
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My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
They grow up so quick
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.