[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
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My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second