[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
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[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.