*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
This fish is cracking me up
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.