[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Breaking news:
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
#Caturday
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.