Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
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When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.