Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
we’re gonna need another temp
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”