My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
He’s dead
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
decorating my apartment