The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day