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@daemonic3: Starting a cover band called "A Book" so no one can judge us.
@TheComedyJokes: You've cat to be kitten me right meow.
@AimeeHelene1: Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
@SteveSuckington: Me: omg can smoking weed make u hallucinate?
Dog making pancakes: lol that wasn't weed dude
@bornmiserable: I'm not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
@EndhooS: Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX