Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
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But that’s none of my business
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Care for your back
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Spring of Deception
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I like crazy people until they notice me
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
A group of toddlers is called a migraine