@daemonic3: Starting a cover band called "A Book" so no one can judge us.
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@tkhan74: I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name.
@onion_an: Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop Son: Why [nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower] Me: He's a racist
@ibid78: Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife