Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.