@TheGrimKing: Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work?
@sumpeoplelikeit: If you have a tattoo on your head, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.
@parkersJoking: Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking "Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"