We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
whatcha thinkin bout
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
a fate I wish upon no one
The dark side of Canada
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.