starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
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I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
こいつ天才
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.