Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Why soy sad?
Lassie, get help!
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Finally! 😈
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
? 💀
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN