*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
britain’s three elite institutions
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.