[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.