[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
How does one answer this?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy