[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”